Through the Eye of a Hurricane
by T-phon
Summary: FMA:B from the surprisingly bitter perspective of Black Hayate. Suggested RoyAi, strong language.
1. Prologue

This is a crack-ish fic in which I pretty much do what I want and recount the events of FMA:B from the surprisingly bitter perspective of the true hero of the show, Black Hayate. He's a cinnamon roll, too good for the FMA world, too pure - but he's also probably a little bit salty.

Prologue - doesn't take place at any specific point within canon.

* * *

 **Through the Eye of a Hurricane**

 ** _Prologue:_**

 _The moment he had drained the last drop from his wine glass, Roy unwound his arm from its position around Riza's shoulder. His joints popped as he stood; they'd been sitting together for over an hour, just enjoying each other's company._

 _"I'm getting another glass. Want me to top yours off?" He glanced at his companion, who wasn't quite done with her wine, yet._

 _"Please do." She ran her hand through her bangs and looked at him with sleepy, hooded eyes. God, he loved when she looked at him like that._

 _He turned away, walking to the kitchen to fetch the bottle of wine. He picked it up hastily, hoping to return to Riza's side as quickly as possible. It was early in the evening, still, and he had plans._

 _Roy could tell that something was awry the moment he returned to the living room. His eyes fell to the space on the couch he had vacated just seconds before, once more occupied. Black Hayate stared back at Roy, his mouth in that stupid shiba expression that made him always look like he was smiling, clearly basking in the petting Riza was giving him._

 _"Dog, you're in my spot."_

 _Riza chuckled at him. "Technically, it is Hayate's spot. Just sit in the armchair, for now."_

 _Roy continued to glare at the dog as he plopped down in the armchair, a good two feet away from the woman he wished to wrap himself around. The dog, however, didn't seem to notice his discontent, tilting his furry head as his mother scratched his ears._

 _After a few minutes of silence, the phone rang. Though it was closer in position to Roy, Riza's reflexes were much quicker, and she had answered it before the first ring had even finished._

 _"Hello?"_

 _Roy could very distinctly hear the shrill voice on the other end, one Rebecca Catalina, pleading for Riza's opinion on what she should wear on a date tonight. Roy had heard through the grapevine that Maria Ross had set her up with Denny Brosh; his own team had already put down bets on how it would go. Riza, who declined from betting, was optimistic, but Breda didn't seem to think they'd make it through the entire date._

 _Before he knew it, Riza had hung up and was gathering her keys and coat. "Rebecca lives just down the street; this shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Watch Hayate for me?"_

 _Roy nodded, again looking at the dog, who had perked his head up upon noticing Riza was going somewhere. With a quick kiss to the cheek, Riza headed off to help her friend in peril._

 _Hayate, needless to say, was immensely confused as to why Riza was gone but Roy had remained. After a few minutes of staring at the door through which Riza had left, he turned his head to stare at Roy. Roy leaned back and ran his hand through his hair._

 _"Dog, we need to talk."_

 _Hayate titled his head, clearly listening._

 _"I know you love Riza. But I love her too, and I need just as much of her attention as you do."_

 _Hayate blinked._

 _"Good, you understand. I'm probably going to be around here pretty often now, since we started being intimate. And I appreciate all you've done to protect her over the course of our adventures. But this seat stealing? It ends here."_

 _Hayate blinked again. Roy nodded._

 _"That settles it." He stood and scooped Hayate up in his arms. The dog had put on a decent amount of weight since the last time Roy had held him, when he was a puppy. Roy set the dog down in the armchair, reclaiming his spot on the couch. "From now on, dog, this is my spot. Got it?"_

 _Hayate sniffed around his new spot on the armchair before eventually plopping his head down on the armrest and falling asleep. Roy leaned over and patted his head. "Good dog."_

* * *

I waited, curled up on my mother's bed, and watched her and the familiar man through the doorway. That dark-haired asshole couldn't sit there forever.

Finally. The second the man stood, I bolted to my mother's side, reclaiming the spot on the couch were I spent most of my time. I suppose I could thank him that it was now warm, but that wasn't what was important. What was important was that my mother was once again paying attention to me, as she should.

I could see the shocked look on the man's face when he returned to find me in my seat. Serves him right for trying to take it in the first place. I also noted that he had gone to the kitchen, but had neglected to bring any food back for me. Strike two.

I only jumped a little when the thing on the table rang, and before I knew it, my mother was leaving me. I perked my ears up at the sound of her keys, confused as to why the man wasn't making any moves to go with her. Was she abandoning me with him? With this asshole who, upon meeting me in my youth, swung me around the room with reckless abandon? How could she? But she did.

A few centuries after she left, the man began talking. I stared at him - he had clearly lost it. Hadn't he seen her leave? Who was he talking to? He looked at me. Oh. What a fucking idiot. He was talking to me as if I understood what he was saying. I blinked a few times, incredulous. He seemed to take this as a response, and kept talking. The hell, man?

Suddenly, I was air-born. The man had picked me up - I was reliving both the best and worst day of my puppyhood, right then. I prayed that my mother would soon swoop in to save me as she once had. She didn't, and I found myself in the armchair. I sniffed the cushion - it smelled as my mother's clothing did when she came home each night. He was staring at me again - I was in no position to retaliate. Resigned, I dropped my head. Perhaps sleep would bring my mother back sooner.

The moment I heard her keys in the door, I bolted up and ran to greet her. She said something as I darted between her legs, and I caught my name amongst her words. But just as she had come, she was gone again, along with the man. A quick survey of the room revealed to me that they had disappeared behind her bedroom door. I lightly pawed at the door. Excuse me? You forgot someone? The most important member of this household? They didn't seem to hear me. Humans and their deafness.

I rested on the floor and stuck my nose to the crack beneath it; there were some strange smells wafting out of there. Their low murmurs from within tickled my ears, but the murmurs were soon replaced with grunts. Then cries. Cries? My mother was crying and yelling from within. I bolted upright and began furiously pawing at the door. I was going to kill that asshole the moment I got in there. How dare he hurt her?

When my pawing failed to get results, I let out a high-pitched shriek of a howl. I repeated it two more times. The cries from within stopped.

Suddenly, the door was wrenched open, and my naked mother was glaring down at me. I immediately jumped up on her leg, licking her. Yes, she was safe. I had saved her. The jackass was defeated.

"Hayate, down!" Two words I actually knew. Wait, why was she using that tone? Why was she glaring? I had saved her, dammit! Peering between her legs, I could see the man lying still in her bed, clearly no longer a threat. He moaned something, and she briefly turned to respond to him. My attempt to venture in to further investigate was thwarted by my mother, who picked me up and carried me back to the couch.

"Sit. Stay!"

I watched her back as she returned to her bedroom, once more shutting the door behind her. The weird moans continued, but there was no more screaming. I glanced around the living room, still convinced that the jackass had hurt her, and still angry at the attention he was receiving. I spotted his polished, leather shoes by the door.

I'd show him for hurting her. First, I'd chew his fucking shoes to shreds. What choice did I have? All of my chew toys were in my mother's bedroom, currently inaccessible to me. Then, I'd pee in them.


	2. Chapter 1 - Hayate Begins

**Chapter 1 - Hayate Begins**

* * *

I should have never gotten out of that fucking box. Another rain drop hit my head, and I shivered at its cold. Fucking rain. I hated water.

My short life was good until I got out of that box. I had spent it with my siblings and mother in a small flat with a human, who had piled us all into that box to go somewhere. While I of course can't understand words, the human kept saying the word "vet" over and over, which caused my mother to snarl each time. Okay so maybe it was good I left the box, because I became pretty sure this "vet" was synonymous with the fiery pit of Hell. Once I grew up, I learned this to be true.

So the human put us in the box, and the box in the car, and then a little while later took the box out of the car and set it down on the sidewalk so that she could get something else from the car. And that's when I saw the cat. It was dodging the raindrops, darting across the sidewalk on which our box was sitting, which looked a hell of a lot more fun than just sitting in the box getting rained on. So I got out of the box. And chased after the cat.

And got lost.

Which was how I ended up hiding under a pipe near the front of some building. The cat was long gone. It had been picked up by a talking, walking trashcan, which I still hadn't figured out. So yeah, maybe I was hiding, too - afraid of likewise being picked up by a mobile trashcan. I was a a fucking pure-bred Shiba Inu and did not belong in the trash, dammit.

Suddenly, he appeared - a four-eyed human who hadn't seemed to have reached adulthood yet. It took me years to realize that he had just stopped growing after a certain point in his youth and was as grown as he would ever be. He picked up my whimpering ass, tucked me into his warm embrace, and carried me inside the building, all while cooing words at me. He was odd-looking, but I appreciated the protection from the falling hell-drops of icy death outside.

He fastened me into his jacket so that only my small head was poking out, and carried me swiftly down a hallway, grunting short greetings to humans as he passed them. Finally, he ducked behind a door and released me from his jacket, setting me down on the floor beneath a desk and looking me straight in the eye. He said something in a firm yet high-pitched tone, which I now understood to be his natural voice.

I had no idea what he wanted from me, so I wandered out from under the desk as soon as he moved away. I immediately encountered a rather large man, who was in the middle of stuffing a pastry into his mouth. I wanted that pastry. I was cute as hell - I was sure he would give me a bite when he noticed me staring at it. I let out a tiny yelp.

The large man countered my yelp with a deafening scream. He then ascended the closest filing cabinet, and stared down at me, shaking. I didn't quite understand this reaction, as it was far from the usual response people had to seeing how adorable I was, but he did leave an entire half of his pastry on the floor for me. Fucking success.

I sat and stared at him, hoping he would produce more pastries. The human with four eyes had disappeared, but three new humans soon entered the room - a blonde woman and two men, one blond and one with gray hair. She was beautiful; the blond guy looked like he had a crumpled birds' nest on his head. I made a mental note to later investigate his nest-head for inhabitants. They spoke some words to the large man, who yelled back and pointed at me. I had hoped that he was instructing them to give me additional pastries, but they made no moves to do so. I wagged my tail and barked. Still no food. Fuck this shit.

My original savior burst back into the room and scooped me up. He and the others spoke to one another, presumably about me from the stern glances I kept receiving. Then, I was being pinched by the back of the neck. I was soon air-born, being carried across the room by birds'-nest man. I didn't like this, and I didn't like the way he was looking at me… like I was something to eat. What an asshole! I whined, hoping desperately to be reclaimed by four-eyes. This man was holding me far too close to his face, and his breath smelled like a dead cat. I stared at the thing in his mouth. If I ever escaped his hold, I was going to pee on it. I briefly considered peeing right then and there, but I was soon snatched away.

The woman, my second savior, handed me back to four-eyes. I was no longer a huge fan of this man who would let fucking mess-hair take me, but his company was still preferable.

Then, I could sense it. The cat was near. I barked, alerting all the humans around me - the cat, and probably the trashcan on legs, was approaching. I stared intently at the door as it opened. I prepared to keep barking, to warn those around me of the monstrous tin-can that swallowed small animals whole. Before I could, my muzzle was clamped shut by four-eyes. Ex-fucking-scuse me? I writhed around, to no avail. How fucking dare he cover my mouth? I make a mental note to chew on his extra eyes should I ever get the chance.

The cat cried from within the trashcan in the doorway, alerting everyone in the room of its plight. Aha, the game was up! The trashcan immediately fled, a small child chasing after him. Perhaps he would be able to save the cat. Godspeed, tiny human.

With the disappearance of the trashcan and child, I was released to the floor. I was ignored for a while after that, only occasionally receiving a few pets from four-eyes. I did notice the woman staring at me from time to time, but she would always return to her work with a sigh. At least my cuteness wasn't going completely unnoticed.

Four-eyes eventually gave me a bowl of (cold) milk, which was great and all except that it was cold and it was milk and it was not a pastry. I did quickly figure out a system with the larger one - whenever he thought the coast was clear of me, he would sneak back to his desk to get a snack. If I timed myself correctly, a tiny bark from me right behind him would send that snack flying down to me while simultaneously sending the man back up onto the filing cabinet. I was confined back to the arms of four-eyes after the third time I did this.

And that's where I was when I was introduced to the dark-haired asshole. I was just minding my business, in the child-sized hands of four eyes, when I was suddenly lifted high in the air to look down into the eyes of a dark-haired man with a glint of evil in his gaze. No. Fuck no. I prayed to whatever higher spirits existed that four-eyes would not let this man take me.

As swiftly as he had lifted me, the dark-haired asshole clutched me to his chest far too tightly. I squirmed, but could not free myself from his death-squeeze. He extended me in front of him once more, still squeezing too tightly, only now with his hands. He shook me up and down while I continued to writhe; stupid ass - couldn't he take a hint? And how the hell did he have such giant hands?

And then he was spinning me. I knew right then and there that I would pee on every possession of his that I could find, should I ever escape my predicament.

Again, four-eyes just stared on in horror as the cackling asshole continued to shake me in one of his giant hands. Where was the woman? I twisted my head every which way, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, hoping she would save me for a second time.

The dark-haired asshole did finally set me down on her desk, making some sort of comment that she appeared to quickly brush off. She did let me continue to sit with her, though, which was pleasant enough. I liked this new stationary spot. But it didn't last long.

Within a few minutes, I found myself completely alone in the room. I wasn't a fan of this. There was no one to admire me, and I was still more or less lost in terms of my original human and home. Fuck this. I began sniffing around, remembering my objectives from throughout the day. Picking up a scent, I followed it to the desk where the messy-haired blond had been sitting. It took some effort, but I eventually got one of the drawers to wriggle open. My goal was sitting at the top of the drawer - an entire pack of the sticks the man had been carrying around in his mouth all day. Grasping the box in my mouth, I trotted to the far corner of the room and set it down. I then peed on it.

The humans returned an eternity later, during which I had slept in the sunlight that shone through the windows. They looked a little beat up and not at all glad to see me, which was pretty rude of them. Four-eyes picked me up again, and we both looked sadly at the other humans in the room. I met eyes with the woman. Finally, she said something in a tone I could immediately recognize. She was going to be my mother.

I admit that my realization of this got me excited. And I admit that, as a puppy, getting excited made me need to pee. But at least I got away from the humans, first. At least I didn't pee on them - the wall was the closest, most viable option. And they had kept me in that fucking room all day - I honestly don't know why there were so damn surprised. Shocking development - the puppy you gave milk to has to expel the fluid!

So yes, I did find my new mother's reaction completely uncalled for. It's not like they had been using that spot on the wall. And there was lots of other wall for them to not use. But she fucking SHOT AT ME. I love her BUT SHE FIRED HER WEAPON AT ME. WHO DOES THAT? WHO THE FUCK SHOOTS AT SOMETHING AS INCREDIBLY ADORABLE AS ME? Like yeah, message received, don't pee on the wall, but fucking hell! Also, six or seven shots? ONE WOULD HAVE SENT THE SAME MESSAGE, _MOM_.

I never again peed without her express permission.

Of course, she did then point me toward a more "acceptable" bathroom, which incidentally was the exact corner I had peed earlier on the pack of sticks. I actually think she was indicating the sticks as an appropriate place to pee, rather than the corner itself.

That was also the moment she named me - Black Hayate. Me, a hurricane? Fuck, yeah, I am.

* * *

 _I've decided to do this crack-ish fic because I'm tired of actually caring about what I'm writing, because people rarely ever give feedback and that's super frustrating when you actually care. So as you read and leave without sharing your thoughts (as most people fail to do - I get on average one review for every two hundred views on each fic), understand that you're one of the reasons I don't want to write anything I might actually get attached to as a writer._


	3. Chapter 2 - Hell (The Vet)

Several reviews have complained about whether Hayate, the puppy who realistically would know no language at all, would "know" curse words. In an effort to appease your desire for realism in this dog-POV fic, a future chapter shall be entirely devoted to the words "woof," "bark," "yelp," and "squirrel."

For the reviewer who liked it but then listed all the reasons they didn't like any of it, calling Hayate's "profanity" unnecessary and uncalled for - Hayate is a surprisingly salty little shit in this crack!fic (as it says in the fic summary), and doesn't really care that his language hasn't been approved by the kindergarten PTA. I find the profanity to be entirely necessary to the story, as it's part of what inspired me to write it in the first place. But I thank you for describing Hayate's Shiba Inu behavior as "cat-like," aka true to form, since that is one of the many special characteristics of the breed - trying to outsmart their masters is one of their specialties.

And a thank you to all of you kind reviewers who are able to recognize this fic for what it is - a nonsensical crack fic resulting from my no longer giving any fucks about writing anything serious. Your words were heart-warming, and I'm glad I was able to make y'all laugh!

Now, **Chapter 2 - Hell (The Vet)**

* * *

I have only blatantly disobeyed my mother once. Of course, I've acted out more than once, but with little things - not getting off the couch for the dark-haired asshole, resisting going on a walk in the rain, peeing on the possessions of those who have displeased me… but overall, I'm a good dog.

But that day… I am proud of my behavior that day. I fucking aced it. Do I feel bad about the inconvenience it ended up being to my mother? Yes. Do I regret it? Hell no!

...

It all started as a normal day at the office when I was six months old. As soon as we entered, Four-Eyes picked me up and had a conversation about me with my mother. I know this because I heard my name as well as "full-bred Shiba Inu." Fuck yeah, I am!

I immediately looked around for the round man, since my mother had apparently forgotten that I had to be fed every morning. I had watched while she ate her breakfast and drank her gross smelling bean-water, pawing at her chair in an attempt to alert her that the most important resident of her house had not been given food. She ignored me. Fucking rude.

I spotted the round man, who was already eyeing me warily, a donut clenched in his hand. If I moved quickly enough, I could probably startle him into dropping it. I prepared to make my move, and -

A yank of my collar jerked me back into Four-Eyes' arms, right as I was about to pounce. Excuse me?

"No, Hayate." The two words with which I was most familiar. Shit. I looked up at my mother with pleading eyes - please let me eat the fucking donut. Please? She clipped my leash onto my collar, removed me from the arms of Four-Eyes, and then tied the other end of the leash around the arm of her desk chair. I could only move within a five-foot radius. I glared at the donut man, who looked relieved at my restraint as he shoved the rest of the donut into his mouth. Once I was free, and hopefully fed, and he dropped food, I was going to pee on it.

I rested on the floor, propping my chin on my paws, while my mother worked for what seemed like hours. My stomach hurt. I let out a whine, and was immediately shushed. I rolled over, my paws in the air, and gave her my cutest face. She didn't even look at me. At that moment, I realized that my mother no longer loved me and that I was going to starve to death any minute now.

Finally, she untied my leash and got up from her chair.

"Let's go, Hayate." More words I knew. I walked with her as we left the office, then left the building, and proceeded down the street. Then another street. Then another. We eventually reached wherever it was she was taking me, and she opened the door of a building and led me into a room filled with other dogs. And cats, but I only cared about the dogs. I immediately tried to sniff the nearest one, but my mother dragged me with her to speak to a woman sitting behind a desk. All these dogs, and I wasn't allowed to sniff one butt. I felt like Tantalus and the fruit tree in Tartarus. Yeah, I fucking know mythology.

Except I didn't realize until later that I truly had been led into Hell.

My mother dragged me to a chair, still keeping me from the other dogs. That's when I started to realize what was going on here. As we sat, I watched as a dog and his parent came through a door on the far end of the room, different from the one we had used on the street. I immediately noticed that something was off - the dog, a glorious Great Dane, was walking funny. As if he was uncomfortable. As if something had happened.

Oh, _hell_ no!

I had heard whimpers from other dogs about this, on my occasional trips to the park with my mother. I had thought they were merely horror stories - meant to frighten young puppies into behaving. Dogs that were taken into terrifying white rooms, who woke up with parts of themselves missing… down there. Yet here I was, in the facility that claimed its victims. I immediately sat, hiding my dog bits from the world. No. No, no, no, no… no.

"Riza Hawkeye?" My mom's name. Or part of it. For some reason the woman asking had forgotten the "Lieutenant" part. My mother got up and tugged on my leash.

"Come on, Hayate."

Nuh-uh.

I stayed firmly seated, the collar bunching up the fur around my face. Unfortunately, the floor was tile, and I was moving anyway - sliding across the floor on my ass while my mother began to drag me through the door from which the limping dog had emerged. Eventually, she gave up and stooped to pick me up. I sprawled out on the floor in response, intentionally making this as difficult for her as possible.

Have I mentioned that my mother is strong? She's fucking ripped - like a bloody Amazon who's claimed the lives of many men. So it didn't take long for her to wrench me off the ground and through the door and into a white room where a woman dressed in white waited. I only know of three colors - white, gray, and black. This room was too much white.

My mother talked to the woman for a while; I heard my name come up a few times. I growled. Then, my mother handed me over to the sinister-looking woman before leaving the room. "Be good, Hayate!" Sure, mom, just abandon me with FUCKING SATAN.

The moment the door closed, I lost it. The woman had prepared a sharp-looking sticky thing, and I was pretty sure she was going to poke it into me. Ahahaha, fuck that shit. A high-pitch scream left my throat, startling the woman enough to loosen her hold on me. I made my move, leaping from her arms, landing perfectly on the handle of the door and forcing it open, and then I was free.

Until she came chasing after me. I scampered into the next room with an open door, encountering a sad-looking family and their cat. Another human in white, this time a man, stared at me. I screamed again, and the cat in question darted off the table and out of the room, tripping the woman chasing me as it did so. You go, cat.

I leapt over the fallen woman, who looked bewildered as she struggled to stand again. Back in the hallway, I could see it - the entrance to Hell. Well, in my case, the exit. Luck was on my side, and the door opened right as I reached it. I didn't dare look back, but I could still hear the woman pursuing me. She wasn't going to catch me in time, though - I was going to make it with my dog bits intact. _Not today, Satan!_

Once again in the room filled with animals, I let out another Shiba scream. I had to let them know to what sort of establishment it was their parents had brought them. I warned them with all of my might, screaming my lungs out. Realizing the danger they were in, the other creatures began to voice their own distresses. Soon, the room was filled with animals howling, screaming, and writhing in attempts for freedom.

That's when I caught sight of my mother, her hand still on the exit door, ready to push it open. Her eyes were wide, her mouth hanging open. It was probably the most dumbfounded expression to ever grace her beautiful face. She marched toward me, and I stopped my screaming. With both hands, she lifted me into the air and glared at me. I licked my nose and tucked my ears down. She was going to fucking kill me.

The woman in white, completely out of breath, caught up with me then. She said a few words to my mother, but my mother shook her head as she said something back. I caught a "no" in there somewhere. My mother then tucked me under her arm and marched out of the building, carrying me the entire way back to her office.

Once we got back, she snatched the sandwich off of the round man's desk (despite his protests) and tossed it onto the floor for me. It was the most delicious thing I'd ever eaten, probably because I was about to die of starvation. She collapsed in her chair while I ate, watching me with a contemplative frown. Then, she bent down and patted my head. In that moment, I knew my plight was over - my dog bits were safe for good.

But from that day onward, I knew that the word "vet" was synonymous with "Hell."


End file.
